When I was 13 I became aware of my body. I became aware that because I wasn’t thin, I wasn’t worthy.
“Not you fatty”
I remember a boy said to me when I was walking with a friend and he called out to us. “Not you, we don’t want you fatty”
From that day, I decided I wasn’t going to eat anymore. I went on a yoyo of weight gain and weight loss. Binge eating and starving myself. For three little words that hurt my ego. I couldn’t control my eating, because my eating came from hurting.
From 21 I dated a guy (he knows who he is) who told his friend he would only date me if I was thin. I went on a crazy diet and lost so much weight. I remember he grabbed me by the waist and said “look how thin you look” like it was the biggest compliment. I grinned eat to ear.
I thought, for so long, in order to be loved, that you had to be thin.
When I was thin, this guy told me that I was too skinny, and that “only dogs like bones”.
I felt depleted, like I couldn’t win.
But in all the time, one thing that never changed was me. My self esteem was poor, sure, but I was giving, I was loving, I was sensitive and compassionate. I was the same crazy bitch that I ever was despite my size.
That girl lives inside this shell of a body, and despite my weight, my rolls, my stretch marks and my jiggly ass. I’m still me. No matter how big or small. I’m me. Even if tomorrow I lose weight, I’m still me.
I spent 30 years hating myself, and I refuse to go another year not giving myself the respect that I deserve. Missing out on all the things I could do to please others who will probably never be happy, not even with themselves.
No matter what you do or what you look like, someone will have something to say about who you are, but the only persons who’s opinions matter, are your own.
My friends love me, my family loves me, and my kids think I’m the bees knees…
I choose to love me. I choose to be enough, and that’s enough. It is so enough. I am enough.
I won’t wait for the perfect size to live my life. I won’t wait for the perfect measurements to wear what I want to wear. I won’t wait until the scales say something till I start living, because life will pass me by. Your dreams don’t have a set weight, just fucking live it!
When you love your body, your health will take care of itself and believe me, confidence will make you happier than any diet ever will.
A body at the beach = beach body.