Losing yourself 

You will lose a part of yourself when you become a mother.

There was a time where I used to strut my shit around like I was Mark Wahlberg in some CK whites, but those days came to a sudden halt after I had a baby. 

But it’s not just about no longer fitting into your jeans. (Jeggings and leggings are amazing)
It’s about that woman that used to have some big balls and massive confidence that disappeared. Where changes were thrusted upon you that changed who you were and how you used to identify yourself. 
In the pursuit of being a perfect mother, you somehow lose a little version of you. Being a mother is busy, it’s hard work, it’s a thankless task, but the rewards are great. Amazing in fact. 
But you will lose a part of you, and you will lose a little confidence in who you were. 

I remember starting work through a placement at uni and was unsure how to have a conversation with other adults. I second guessed my abilities as all I have known for a long time was how to watch playschool and make sandwiches into shapes. I spent all day feeling sad and guilty that I was away from them… and then there was moments where I forgot for a second, and enjoyed the work… more guilt for that. 
The shock of motherhood comes with feelings of worthlessness. If I can’t earn an income, I feel worthless. If I cannot be a perfect mother, I’m worthless, if I can’t go out spontaneously and enjoy time with my husband or with my friends anymore I feel unfulfilled and worthless. If I can’t just sit in the sunshine at any given moment I can’t be fulfilled anymore and feeling that makes me feel guilty so I’m back to feeling like a bad mother again. 
Relationship confidence goes out the window too… It’s hard to have nooky with your husband and feel like the vixen you once were when your nipples are the size of discus plates and your little mum pouch makes farting noises as you move. 
It’s hard to know how to connect with someone when during sex you’re wondering what you’re going to cook for dinner or how much washing there is still left to fold. ‘I need nappies, cheese and bread’… mental lists in your head in between “oh baby”… doesn’t really work now does it? 
Somewhere along the way “me is replaced with “mum” 
But you know what? It’s okay… it’s gonna be okay. 
I figure if I was able to birth a baby with balls, surely I’ve got some in there?
If I can survive the darkest days of motherhood in those first three months, surely I can take on a 9-5?
If I can clean shit from walls, cook 10 meals in 10 minutes, and live off 10 minutes of sleep while caring a for a fragile human being… surely, just surely, I can do more than what I know? 
If I can give myself every day to little people who need me… then surely, I cannot be worthless. 
Maybe losing a bit of me is not so bad. Because I lost a bit of myself… but I’ve also gained more. 
I’ve gained more emotions than I ever knew possible. I cry hard at anything now, and or anything to do with loss because I finally understand what it’s like to feel a tremendous amount of love, and the thought of loss hurts more than it ever could. I’ve learned true compassion. I’ve learned how precious life is. 
I’ve learned how to live in the moment and live selflessly. 
I’ve learned how to scream “I can’t do it all”…but at the end of the day get all that shit done anyway. 
It’s hard, and some days you still mourn your old self… but she’s gone now, and now I am a new version of me. 
A stronger version

A more loving version 

A more selfless version

A big nippled version still, but a more womanly and curvier version. 

A version that watches her two beautiful children grow and is part of fuelling their imaginations. 

A version that’s learned how to embrace her childlike nature and spark her own imagination. 

A version that created life and is nurturing it. 
Its time to say goodbye to the old me, and discover all the things about this new girl, or rather, this new WOMAN. 
It’s now just about working to find that confidence in the new me… and walking around in CK whites (and a cape) with my amazing mum bod… pouch, nips and all.


One Comment Add yours

  1. This is an amazing post! From the lists of things going through your head during sex, to the sensitivity and extreme sense of protection and fear for the loss of your children, and wanting to do it all…It is SO TRUE! I do know that it gets easier to be some of your old self as time and the age of children change, but I have found motherhood to be introspective in a way I never imagined. There is just such a sense of purpose children give me. As I am motivated to be better, I realize, they are pushing me to really think about life in such an important way. You are beautiful and all the changes are well worth it!💞☯

    Liked by 1 person

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