They didn’t tell me 

I never asked how motherhood would be. People enjoyed telling me how it would be. They said enjoy your sleep now, you’ll never get it back.
They didn’t tell me how naked I would feel. That I would feel so fragile. I would feel like I could break into a million pieces.
That the new feelings and emotions swirling my body would make me feel like I could shatter, or slip into a deep end.
I didn’t know that I would feel like I couldn’t be enough, that I couldn’t love enough. That I couldn’t be perfect enough and that every day I would battle with it. No matter how much I would do to make it all work, going to breastfeeding classes, playgroups and sleep schools, that I would feel like I wasn’t doing something right. Like I wasn’t… enough. 
They didn’t say that motherhood would bring out an anger in me, that I would feel frustrated. That I would cry because the lack of sleep made my brain feel like it was zapping. I didn’t realise I couldn’t lay in bed all day to sleep the bad day away. 
They didn’t say that I would say mean things, that I would cry and wish I could take it all back. They didn’t say that I would feel undeniable guilt for ever saying a bad word, or thinking it. 
I didn’t know that every day I would struggle to do parenting the right way, but that there was so many different ‘right ways’ that it would make me think I’m doing it the wrong way. 
That motherhood was overthinking and anxiety provoking. Worried about safety, the right shoes, the right school, the right food, too much tv? Am I ruining their life? 
That I could go from calling them rat-bags to staring at them with a goofy grin on my face for hours. That I could go from being annoyed to proud in moments. 
That motherhood would make me vulnerable. That there was all this love to give, to something that doesn’t know the word love. To be unconditional to another human being because it’s embedded in you so naturally. To learn what real love is when you look into their eyes. To want to hold those little hands forever and never let go. 
And this love, this love that crushes you from the weight of your heart. This deep love that touches your fingers and your soul, this ocean wide love. They didn’t tell me about that… how could they? 
It can only be felt.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. The Mothership says:

    This. This is amazing. Having a 10 month old I can really relate to this. What a whirlwind of emotions!

    Like

    1. Laura Mazza says:

      ❤️❤️ thank you! It’s such a roller coaster but probably the best rides of our lives

      Liked by 1 person

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