The door shuts
And here we are, alone in the house with two children.
Breakfasts on the floor, dirty nappies, changing of clothes, preparing for whatever day we are going to have all before 8. It won’t be 9 before there’s caffeine involved for me, any later than 9:30 and the day will be a write off. Phew.
The day is spend timed perfectly… but time is never kept.
When I was single, I imagined what being at home as a stay at home mum would be like. I’ve always kinda been career driven, but the thought of playing in a playroom and having tea parties and napping while the children nap, sounded pretty appealing. How hard would it be to go to cafes with two polite little children, and go around to the shops buying fashionable getups for me and my kids. HA, you idiot. How delusional you were.
Firstly there is no playroom, we are piled on top of each other in this little house. My husband works hard for it, so I am grateful, and I don’t contribute anything so I better be grateful… but doesn’t mean I don’t wish we lived in a big mansion with a maid, a cook and a cleaner… and a playroom.
Secondly, after about 2 minutes of sitting down for a coffee, a baby cino and some type of fruit muffin or banana bread that constitutes as a healthy lunch, the toddler generally decided that’s enough of being civilised and goes off his head… generally leads to me saying a big fat nope and leaving anyway.
Every day is a battle of what’s worse, mingling with people, going to a child friendly place so I can have a guiltless day that I gave my children entertainment, OR, sitting on my lounge room floor while my daughter plays with a gift ribbon she found somewhere and I listen to the dishwasher do its thing.
If I didn’t have my phone I think I’d go insane.
If there wasn’t nap times to look forward to I think I’d be admitted
It makes me feel guilty. I spend some moments utterly bored out of my brain but so consumed in thought that I’m on auto pilot and forget to enjoy my children. Too worried about cooking or cleaning or trying to switch off my freight train of thoughts that sometimes i respond to a beautiful smile a little too late.
I know this house so well that I know all the ways it needs to be redecorated and fixed. I know all of its flaws and its secrets. I know the rug is to hide all the stains from careless guests, tired dinners and lazy parenting. “Here, eat your dinner on the couch”
It’s boring… to say the least.
On days when the weather is shit and I can’t be bothered with other people we stay inside. I put on movie after movie and I clean. I clean even though I know that in less than two hours it’ll look the same. I hesitate to clean the kitchen because well, dinner will make it messy again. Then it leads me to thinking, why do these people want dinner every night? Seriously? Sometimes I wish we could just live off takeaway and frozen food so there would be no mess to clean up.
The toddler whispers some word of something he wants that he usually isn’t allowed to have, which is probably the most entertaining part of the day because he tricks you into asking him for it, like it was your suggestion.
“Spinkles” he whispers
“What?” I ask
“SpinKLES” little louder at the end.
“Do you want sprinkles?” I ask
You won again buddy.
There’s no conversations… just demands that have to be answered to by either of us. And only one of us is coherent. Sometimes I wonder which one.
There’s no one to talk to… only people to write to, but if you write too much, you might miss your daughter picking up a piece of fluff and choking on it. So you have to just stare. Stop and stare.
Yeah you know it’s shit some days, really shit, and honestly I wait until my husband gets home for the climax of the day, and sometimes we both just sit on our phones and then I go to bed early, bit anticlimax-ish.
But I’m not ungrateful. Don’t be mistaken. I know I could go to work and use all that money I earn just to pay for childcare and miss out on finishing my degree, but… oh.
While I write this I’m on the other side of the hallway smiling at my daughter while she commando crawls down to me. I love them. I love it, I do… just sometimes it’s a bit boring. You know?
Would you believe I vacuumed yesterday?
Maybe I could bleach the grout?